Writing Update -How I've been doing NOTHING (and why)

Hello dear friends and readers,

I have not been very active on this blog lately, nor on any of my writing platforms at all. The reason is pretty simple: I was completely out of inspiration and motivation. Also, to be completely honest, I have been physically very weak, so much so that I haven't been able to get through an entire shift at work, before needing to go home and get some rest, for all of the past week. In fact, I found it hard to even stand for more than 30 seconds without anything to hold on to.

I don’t think I need to elaborate too much on this; you get the picture, and for those who know me, you also know that this has been more or less normal since my accident a few years ago. A standard schedule to some people is too much for me, and when I overwork myself anyway, I end up like this for a couple days. (So please do not worry! It will be alright :)).

Anyways. This post will not be so focused on my writing advancements, but rather on me doing my best to be transparent, in hope it can encourage some of you, or simply be good food for thought.

As I mentioned before, I have not been able to do much, in any area of productivity. I was forced to rest a lot. This can be so frustrating, especially when one has big hopes and wishes they could be doing so much more. Personally, I have been very focused on building a community in the region I now live in; I moved here less than a year ago, and have been trying my best to connect with people, build reliable bonds and precious friendships, but also giving without expecting anything in return, because that’s what love (agape, if you’re familiar with either Old Greek or the concept of selfless care) is supposed to be about. And to be fair, even when I did volunteer or simply help around without those expectations, I always ended up being so blessed from it.

But, the thing is, it is very hard to hand out free coffee, teach French to (very) energetic kids that want to run around all the time, dig rows in a garden, or really do anything at all, when even standing straight is a struggle.

Did I feel bad to not be able to do those things? Absolutely. Is it quite a struggle to accept that I might not be able to ‘’make myself useful’’ 100% of the time when I’m with people? Even more so. But, you know what? It is alright. It’s okay not to be able to do much, it’s okay to hang out with people even though the only thing I’m able to bring is my presence. (It still did take a lot of convincing from my friends to put me at ease with that idea. Really, I’m bad at this).

Sometimes, a listening ear is enough; sometimes, knowing that there is care on both sides, even though it is not visibly expressed, is sufficient. And sometimes, simply sitting next to someone is really all they need.

Now, what I truly want to get to is that… I’m so grateful.

It might sound silly, from someone who has spent a good part of the day in bed, with tears all over her face because this condition can be frustrating and discouraging. But as I journaled earlier last evening and tried to express anger and disappointment, I found that it is not what I truly felt.

I am weak, but I am so blessed. This community in which I have poured so much of myself cares for me at least as much as I for them. Many friends regularly ensure I am alright and make themselves available whenever I need to talk. People had me over in their homes, drove me places, prayed for me, fed me meals and snacks, showed me incredible love. My roommate has been cooking wonderful dinners that gave me a little more energy, and even my cat has affectionately kept me company (I mean, that last part is nothing out of the ordinary, but this black furry creature deserves recognition if she’s to be featured on this article’s cover photo).

(Remember that article I wrote about collected definitions of happiness? You can read it here if you’d like, but this should be added to it: happiness does not have to depend on circumstances. Resilience is very powerful, and even stronger than passing emotions).

And I have been learning about the benefits of slowing down. It can be hard to just be in the moment. To not think about what’s next on the program all the time, but to consciously slow down and look around. So much of this precious resource called time is spent… anticipating the passing of time. Isn’t that pathetic?

Thinking of it, have you guys read Stargirl, by Jerry Spinelli? (If not, you should. It's a kid's book, but it's amazing). My French students recommended it to me, and it's the story of that girl who just, well, stands out. And, outside of her pretty eccentric sense of fashion and her pet rat Cinnamon, one of the things that makes her different is that she intentionally… does nothing. She goes into the desert, or really any other calm place, closes her eyes and just sits there, sometimes for many hours.

And, if a kid's book's wisdom is not enough to convince you give it a try, here is an absolutely awesome article on the benefits of boredom. Yes, I mean it. Boredom can actually be positive to the human brain; it is scientifically proven.

Anyway, all of this to say, it is fine to not always be productive. It is fine to not do much. It is fine to be weak, to rest, to slow down, even to stop striving towards goals for given periods of time. Moreover, it is necessary. And it is alright to accept help. One of the nicest gifts that can be given to others is to allow them to express their love and care too. So, if you are in a similar situation right now, it's okay. If even God rested, on the 7th day of creation, so can you.

You do not matter for what you do, you matter for what you are. I am still struggling to believe it myself, but it is so important.

And, even in pain or restlessness or frustration, there is joy that can be found.

On this note, I truly hope that you can appreciate today's sun (even if it's hidden by clouds) and find joy and fulfillment even through harder times.

Sincerely,

Vannah