Strength in Weakness (Sharing Time)

So. I just wrote an entire blog post and, right as I was finishing it off, the website glitched and I lost it all. Therefore, here I go again.

This post is less of a writing update and more of a living update; and since I consider the latter even more important than the former, I shall proceed to rant about it; in the least, this post will leave a trace of my journey to look back on in future chapters of life. And in the best-case scenario, it might even provide an encouragement :)

... And so here we go

Last time I posted, I had just started feeling very weak; I could barely walk, let alone work or be productive.

Now, I am better -slightly. Meaning, since doing nothing and resting too much was not good for my physical nor mental health, I decided to challenge myself and this autumn.

I went back to University, in my Psychology program, as well as work part time. Work had been pretty good -being a grocery store cashier is not what I would call fun, but it is a calm and stable job, and my bosses have been incredibly kind and understanding.

As for University, I have 4 classes, half of them in person -Psychology 2, Philosophy, French and Criminology. They are not particularly demanding, but I do always have more homework I could be doing, more to-do things at the back of my mind. Also, some days, I am just not feeling well enough, and am forced to simply rest. It is totally frustrating; many people can do twice as much and not even question it, while I can’t take half a day of productivity for granted.

Still, I press on -it’s both the least and the most I can do, it seems.

Today was one of those bad days

After taking the whole morning and most of the afternoon very easy, I went to a café (an absolutely amazing one, with walls covered with flowers; if you know me, you know this is pretty much my dream place. For the record, it also was awfully pink). A friend met me there; we intended to do a study blitz, as studying with others is always more encouraging.

Turns out that, as I was barely getting into studying, I started feeling pretty shaky. It got bad enough, and I got dizzy and very weak again; I went into hiding in the bathroom for a bit, not wanting to cause a scene. As it would not pass, I came out and had to let that friend walk -if not almost carry- me all the way back to my car, where we sat as I was waiting to feel a bit less miserable.

Not fun.

After a little while, I managed to drive myself home and crash into bed (not car crash. More of a Savannah-unto-her-mattress crash. I am fine), and self-pitied for a time. Then, I started listening to a few Psalms from my audio Bible and starting crying as the words just hit home.

And so, here we come to the part this whole rant was actually meant to lead too: some encouragement.

Not all is bad

As a Christian, this world is not my home -it is not meant to be. Even those things I so wish I had better energy for – more work, school, and social events, among others- are not the real priority. They are all well and good; but they are but tools towards a larger goal: getting to know our Creator in this temporal setting so we can enjoy His presence in an intemporal one. And, like it or not, even this chronic weakness and the discouragement related to it fall into this category of tools.

So, here are a few verses I was reminded of and wanted to share with you all (I used the online ESV version):

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Blessed be the Lord! For he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him. Psalm 28:6-7

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

He rescued me from my strong enemy and from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me.

They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my support.

He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me. Psalm 18:17-19

I’m almost done ranting now!

And so, all of this considered, I look around me and I am not afraid; I certainly have those moments of gloom, but I know that in the end, it will all be alright. And looking at it, I still feel so much gratefulness; I am surrounded by friends that have sticked around even through hard times and that care for me more than I feel I deserve; I have a loving family, far away, but I am pretty sure no one is fighting for me in prayer more fiercely than them; I have a job, get to learn things I love in school, have a comfortable apartment and even a great car (it's totally missing a handle and filled with dead flower petals, but that only gives it more personality. Car personality. Guess it's a thing now).

... And, most of all, I know that there is a hope greater than all of those hard days, as well as the promise of a peace beyond understanding (Phil. 4:7) and a love greater than we can know (Eph. 3:16).

(I had written all of this so much more nicely in the initial blog entry. I’m annoyed. But this is my second time writing this post and it’s an evening where I had trouble even standing, so I guess it’s fine.)

On this note, dear reader, if you have sticked around this far (even if you didn’t really; but in such a case, you’ll never know!), I wish that the rest of your day is filled with this same hope and that you get to see all the splendor there is all around no matter the circumstances you’re thrown into.

They say, ‘’there is so much brokenness, how can there still be beauty?’’

But no, my friend.

Beauty can still exist because it’s powerful enough, not to exist merely in the absence of pain, but despite its presence. -S.J.L

With love,

Vannah